The Scarlet Pimple
Cast list
An unseen narrator
In England:
Sir Percy de Winter-Woolley – aka the Scarlet Pimple
Marguerite de Winter-Woolley – his (French) wife, a former actress
Brigitte – her sexy French maid
Lord Scratchins – Percy’s firend and fellow conspirator
Cook – the butler
Mrs Butler – the cook
Cap’n Hand – a ship’s captain
Willie – the ship’s boy
Mrs Forth – innkeeper of ‘The Smuggler’s Arms’
Sally Forth – her daughter
In France:
Pantalon – the revolutionary leader
Madame Culotte – his evil crony
Citizen Chamois – a French envoy to England
King Louis XVI – deposed (and stupid) king
Marie Antoinette – his queen
Madame Guillotine – the executioner
Citizen Duvet – }
Citizen Baguette – } comedy
Citizen Éclair – } characters
Citizen Gateau – }
Napoleon Bony-Part – the army general
Josephine Bony-Part – his pushy wife
Sergeant Major – the (dim) squad leader
Corporal Boddy – a soldier
Private Means – a soldier
Duc de Port-salut – Marguerite’s father
Duchesse de Port-Salut – Marguerite’s mother
Yvette – } their other
Yvonne – } daughters
Count de Winnings – aristocrat awaiting rescue
Countess de Winnings – his wife
Fifi – their daughter
The Scarlet Pimple – the story
Act 1
The story begins at Bedside Manor, the stately home of Sir Percy de Winter-Woolley and his newly-wed French wife Marguerite, who is a former actress. Sir Percy always appears to be a dim-witted, foppish character to his wife and to most of his friends, but secretly he has another identity – as the Scarlet Pimple – the leader of a league of wealthy English gentlemen who spend their time rescuing French aristocrats from the revolution, and from the guillotine. His chief co-conspirator is his close friend and self-made man, a local factory-owner, Lord Scratchins, whom he calls by the nickname ‘Porky’. The servants at Bedside Manor include Cook the butler (who disapproves of all foreigners in general and Marguerite in particular), Mrs Butler the cook, and Brigitte, Marguerite’s sexy French maid who is fancied by Lord Scratchins.
As Marguerite makes frequent journeys to Normandy to visit her family (accompanied by Brigitte), Sir Percy has the opportunity to make his own secret trips to France without her knowledge, and he is usually accompanied by Lord Scratchins on these visits. They always sail from Maryport rather than Dover to disguise their intentions, and on the way they always stop at the same harbour-side inn at Maryport, the ‘Smugglers Arms’ where the innkeeper Mrs Forth and her cheeky daughter Sally know all about their secret business and assist them, as does Cap’n Hand, the captain of the ‘Albert Ross’, the fishing boat which regularly takes them to France.
In Paris, the revolution is controlled by the evil Pantalon and his crony the equally-evil Madame Culotte. The revolutionary army is controlled by the grasping Napoleon Bony-Part, whose wife Josephine is a former aristocrat herself, but now sees herself as a ‘woman of the people’. They have the French king, Louis XVI and his queen Marie Antoinette under house-arrest at Versailles, and with their henchmen, citizens Baguette and Duvet and their assistants Eclair and Gateau they are slowly rounding up all the remaining French aristocrats. Sir Percy makes a new contact in France, a mysterious female agent known by the nickname of the ‘Grand Fromage’ who will meet him only in the dark, and who organises the meetings between Sir Percy and the aristocrats in hiding.
Pantalon is desperate to capture the Scarlet Pimple and sends his spy Chamois to England, where he tries to persuade Marguerite to help him trap the elusive Pimple, by threatening to reveal the whereabouts of her French family to Pantalon. He asks her to make sure that the Scarlet Pimple hears that the French prince is in danger; she reluctantly agrees, and asks Sir Percy if he can pass on Chamois’s message to the Scarlet Pimple. Sir Percy tells her that he will try to pass the message, but as he and Lord Scratchins are leaving the house, Sir Percy’s secret identity is discovered by Brigitte who overhears them talking and she tells Marguerite, who now realises that she has just sent her husband into danger.
I N T E R V A L
Act 2 opens at the Royal Palace with Louis XVI trying to placate his wife Marie-Antoinette, who is furious over the hardships imposed upon them by the revolution. Pantalon & Culotte arrive, and tell them they must provide accommodation for captured aristocrats because the Bastille is full. Chamois has gone back on his promise to Marguerite, and her family are arrested and initially are incarcerated in the Royal Palace, along with the former King & Queen.
Sir Percy sets off to France with Lord Scratchins to rescue the French prince but before they can make contact with the Grand Fromage, after a chase they are both captured by Bony-Part and his troops and are thrown into the Bastille under the guard of Mme Guillotine. Questioned by Chamois, Pantalon and Mme Culotte, they refuse to admit who they are, and so they are sentenced to death.
Desperate to save her husband – but angry that he did not tell her of his secret, Marguerite also sets off for France with Brigitte, helped this time by Sally & Willie. They find that her family are now also in the Bastille, and on the evening before the execution, disguised as the mysterious Grand Fromage, Marguerite & Brigitte rescue them all, although Marguerite makes sure Sir Percy and Lord Scratchins have to dress up as women during their escape. Still unaware of Marguerite’s involvement, Sir Percy and Lord Scratchins make their way back to England and safety, accompanied by the Port-Salut family.
Returning to Bedside Manor, Sir Percy discovers that Marguerite is missing, and is told she has gone to France to find her family. He and Porky are about to rush back to France, but are just in time to see Marguerite and Brigitte arrive home – Marguerite is still dressed in her disguise as the Grand Fromage!
Sir Percy is amazed to discover he has been dealing with Marguerite all along, and they agree to work together in future. Lord Scratchins plucks up the courage to propose on the spot to Brigitte, who accepts, and so she becomes Lady Scratchins.
Cast characterizations – who you are, and what you’re like
Sir Percy – You are a rich English gentleman who leads a double life – and hence you need two different voices for your two characters. To most people (including your new wife Marguerite) you are Sir Percy, the dim-witted fop with a high-pitched silly laugh, who owns the palatial stately home Bedside Manor, but secretly you are also the elusive Scarlet Pimple who leads a band of fellow Englishmen in rescuing French aristocrats from the revolution.
Marguerite – You are French, with a strong French accent, a former actress who has recently married Sir Percy. At the start, you know nothing of his double life – and he is ignorant of the fact that you also develop another identity – the elusive French agent known as the ‘Grand Fromage’ (the Big Cheese). When you meet him in France, in true panto tradition neither of you recognises the other due to the simple disguises you have.
Lord Scratchins – You are Sir Percy’s friend and ally in his rescues. A self-made man, you have worked your way up from humble beginnings and are now the owner of a factory, and have recently been created a ‘lord’. You have no airs and graces, and still speak the same way you always did; you fancy Brigitte.
Brigitte
You too have a French accent, and have been Marguerite’s maid from before her wedding, coming to England with her when she married. You help her in her role as the Grand Fromage, and are also a bit of a flirt with Sir Percy’s visitors, especially Lord Scratchins.
Cook – You are the butler at Bedside Manor, and have been for a long time. You disapprove of Sir Percy’s new French wife (and her maid) and have no time for any foreigners at all. You show your disapproval by constantly sniffing.
Mrs Butler – You are the overworked cook at Bedside Manor, sometimes put-upon by Cook and are still unsure of how to treat your new mistress Marguerite.
Napoleon – You are the general in charge of the revolutionary army. You spend a lot of time trying to make your soldiers behave like soldiers, and you are desperate to capture the Scarlet Pimple. You are married to Josephine.
Josephine – You are Napoleon’s wife; you used to be a member of the aristocracy, but now see yourself as a woman-of-the-people, a common ‘citizen’, and go to great lengths to impress this view onto others. You say that you now detest the aristocrats, and spit on the ground whenever anyone says the word aristocrat. You push Napoleon too hard sometimes.
Madame Guillotine –
You are in charge of the Bastille, the prison in Paris where all the captured aristocrats are locked up – until they are executed, that is. You are a fanatical supporter of the Glorious Revolution, and all the ‘citizens’ of the New Republic and the soldiers are afraid of you, except for Pantalon and Culotte.
Sergeant Major –You are in charge of a squad of 3 soldiers, a corporal and 2 privates, one of whom is never anywhere to be found. You are not the brightest of creatures, and have a terrible memory, but you always see the best in people and try hard to impress the general. You are rather vague about everything.
Corporal Boddy –You are a soldier, recently promoted to corporal, but you are still friends with Private Means. Sometimes you find it hard to deal with the Sergeant, and you feel really that you could do a better job.
Private Means –You are a good soldier, unlike the other private in your squad who is always missing when there is work to do. You are keen for promotion, and always try to impress people.
Pantalon –You are the fanatical leader of the Glorious Revolution. An idealist, you want to sweep away all the old decadent Royalist practices, and change everything in your New Republic. You try to project an image of ruthlessness to everyone, except Madame Culotte; to others she is your crony, but in reality she’s your Mum, a fact that you feel you must keep hidden as families are no longer recognised by the Glorious Revolution.
Madame Culotte – You are Pantalon’s mother – and quite unflappable in any situation. You tolerate his fanaticism, and in front of others you seem to be hard and ruthless, devoted to the cause. But really you can’t be bothered with it all, and regard the ‘Glorious Revolution’ as a fad that you hope your son will soon grow out of.
Duvet & Baguette – You are Pantalon’s agents, doing his dirty work for him. Not particularly bright, but usually willing. You both have a tendency to attract trouble though, and for everything you do to go wrong. Duvet is the natural leader, Baguette the follower, but both of you like to boss Eclair & Gateau about.
Eclair & Gateau – You are citizens of the New Republic, and often work with Duvet & Baguette, who boss you around. You try to be tough all the time, but often feel sorry for the prisoners.
Chamois – You are dedicated to the cause of the Glorious Revolution; you are sent to England to find out about the Scarlet Pimple, and because you used to know Marguerite (you were secretary to her father, before being dismissed for theft), you start by making contact with her. Everything you do is methodical, carefully planned – and nasty.
Mrs Forth – You are the keeper of the Smugglers Arms hotel at Maryport Harbour. You originate from the West Country, and have a daughter Sally, who frequently causes you trouble, either by dodging work or meeting boys.
Sally – You are the daughter of the innkeeper; you don’t like working at the inn – or anywhere else, for that matter. You have had several boyfriends, but now have your heart set on the cabin boy, Willie.
Cap’n Hand – You are the pipe-smoking captain of the fishing boat, the ‘Albert Ross’. When not out fishing with Willie, you earn extra money by taking Sir Percy to and from France on his rescue missions. You are a slow and deliberate person, who hates to hurry or rush things.
Willie – You are the cabin boy on the fishing boat, but sometimes get in trouble with Cap’n Hand for being too hasty. When you can get some spare time you like to meet Sally, and you often encourage her to skip off from her work at the inn.
King Louis XVI – You are the deposed King of France, and still believe that you are going to recover your throne one day. Despite the revolution, you cannot bring yourself to be polite to your captors.
Marie Antoinette – You are the former Queen of France, and still live in your Royal fantasy-world. Although afraid of Pantalon and his revolutionaries, you are still rude to them, believing them to be beneath you.
Duc & Duchesse de Port-Salut – You are Marguerite’s parents, and are currently in hiding in Normandy with your other two daughters. You are proud of Marguerite, and are pleased that she now lives in England away from the trouble at home.
Count & Countess de Winnings- You are French aristocrats who are very grateful to the Grand Fromage for arranging your escape to England with the Scarlet Pimple.
A short script sample . . .
[house lights down]
Narrator:
“They seek him here, they seek him there,
Those Frenchies seek him everywhere.
Is he so clever?— or is he just simple?
That damned, elusive, Scarlet Pimple.”
“Our story begins at Bedside Manor, the stately home of Sir Percy de-Winter-Woolley, who has recently brought home his new wife Marguerite, a former French actress.”
Scene 1 – At Bedside Manor
[curtains open – A room at Bedside Manor.
On stage a table with a newspaper, several chairs, and a bell-pull.]
[6 other people on stage, song and dance routine to ‘Don’t stop me now’ by Queen. After dance, all exit except Sir Percy and Marguerite]
Sir Percy: [pulls out lacy hanky, mops his brow affectedly] Oh, thenk heavens they’ve gorn! I do so love these luncheon and dance parties m’dear – demmed if I don’t – but some o’ them fellers get jest a little bit too boisterous, don’t you know!
Marguerite: [fans herself] Oh, zere, zere, ma cherie! [pats his arm soothingly] How would you like a nice leetle glass of your favourite vin-rouge? [she goes to pull the bell-cord, then guides him to a chair] Now, you just sit down there, and make yourself comfortable. [she goes to the table]
[enter rear left Cook, the butler – he bows]
Cook: [looks only at Sir Percy] You rang, m’lord?
Sir Percy: Ah Cook, there you are – look run down to the cellar an’ fetch me a bottle of the jolly old ’76 Lafitte, there’s a good feller.
Cook: [bows] Certainly, m’lord. [looks disapprovingly at Marguerite] Shall I need to bring – [sniffs] two glasses, m’lord?
Sir Percy: What? Er – oh, yes – two glasses, of course, two glasses, one each, what? [picks up newspaper]
Cook: [sighs] At once, m’lord. [turns to go]
Marguerite: [turns] Oh, excusez-moi – Cook.
Cook: [turns back, speaks slowly, as to a child] Yes, [sniffs] milady?
Marguerite: Cook, please will you ask Mrs Butler to come ‘ere, to discuss wiz me the plans for the dinner.
Cook: Yes, milady. [slight bow, sniffs, exit rear left]
Marguerite: [to Sir Percy] I still find it most confusing you know, cherie.
Sir Percy: [reads paper, not listening] Mmm?
Marguerite: You know, ‘aving a butler who ‘as the name of Cook, and a cook wiz the name Mrs Butler! I’m sure you ‘ave done it on purpose just to confuse me!
Sir Percy: [puts paper down] Oh, stuff and nonsense, m’dear. D’y’know, Mrs B’s been with me for ebsolutely years, and as for Cook – well I think he must have been here when the dem Manor was built, don’t you know!
Marguerite: Oh really, cherie! [taps him on the arm with her fan] You are such a silly boy!
Sir Percy: Yes m’dear – y’know, I’m the ninth generation of the de-Winter-Woolleys to live here at Bedside Manor – always bin close to the Royals we have, ever since the time of good ole Queen Bess. Why, d’y’know, old King George used to say he would never leave home without de-Winter-Woolleys.
Marguerite: I’m not surprised – it’s always so cold in England!
Sir Percy: Cold? Oh I see yes – cold without the winter woollies! [silly laugh] Ha-ha-ha-ha! Dem clever joke, what?
Marguerite: Thank you, cherie.
[re-enter rear left Cook, followed by Mrs Butler carrying the drinks tray, which she places on the table]
Sir Percy: [stands] Ah Cook, what a splendid feller! [takes a glass of wine, sips it, sits down again]
Mrs Butler: [curtseys to Marguerite] You sent for me, mum?
Marguerite: Yes, Mrs Butler, thank you, I wanted to talk wiz you about the menu for tonight’s dinner. [they go to the rear, and talk quietly]
Cook: [to Sir Percy] And m’lord – Lord Scratchins is here to see you.
Sir Percy: Oh, bless my soul! [silly laugh] Ha-ha-ha! Well, better wheel him in then, what?
Cook: At once, m’lord. [bows, exit rear left]
Sir Percy: I say! Did you hear that, m’dear – old Scratchins is here!
Marguerite: [walks forward] Oh – so I suppose ‘e will be staying tonight for ze dinner, as usual?
Sir Percy: Mmm, wossat? Dinner? – Oh yes, he’ll stay for dinner all right.
Marguerite: [to Mrs Butler] Mrs Butler, I think you had better now to make double all the quantities for the dinner, yes?
Mrs Butler: [bobs] Yes’m. [sighs, shakes her head] I better go and make a start right away then, mum. [she curtseys]
Marguerite: Thank you. [exit rear left Mrs Butler, passing Cook who enters, followed by Lord Scratchins]
Cook: Lord Scratchins, m’lord. [bows, exit rear left]
Sir Percy: [leaps to his feet] Porky! Dash it all, come in, dear feller, dem good to see you. Look, m’dear, it’s Porky!
Scratchins: [common voice] Evenin’ Perce. [turns] Evenin’ Madge!
Marguerite: [curtseys politely] Good evening, Lord Scratchins. Why do you call me ‘Madge’? It sounds so – well – common.
Scratchins: Oh, I’m so sorry – [bows] good evening, your ladyship!
Marguerite: Oh, I don’t mind really – [curtseys] your lordship. It is what you English call ze Mick-name, yes?
Scratchins: Yes that’s right – only it’s a Nick-name, not a Mick-name – only the Irish have them!
Marguerite: Oh I see. [turns to Sir Percy] And why do you give him the nick-name of Porky – [looks at his size] apart from what is obvious, I mean!
Scratchins: [pulls in his stomach] Oi! Do you mind!
Sir Percy: Porky? Oh he’s called thet after all the stuff they make in his fac’try, don’t y’know – why, they’re famous the world over, the old Porky Scratchins!
Marguerite: [to Scratchins] And it is for zis, you ‘ave become a lord?
Scratchins: That’s right – I used to be plain Mr Smith before.
Sir Percy: I say, just a plain Smith – but not ‘ready salted’, eh? [silly laugh] ha-ha-ha! Ready salted! Ha-ha-ha!
Marguerite: Oh Percy, stop it! [turns to Scratchins] But – I feel that I cannot call you Porky – what is your real first name, then, my lord?
Scratchins: [looks embarrassed] Oh! Er – it’s – er [mumbles] Tarquin.
Marguerite: Pardonnez-moi – I could not ‘ear you? [points to audience] And nor could they!
Scratchins: [louder] It’s Tarquin! All right? Tarquin!
Marguerite: Mmm, I see – maybe I shall ‘ave to call you Porky after all!
Sir Percy: I say m’dear, leave the poor feller alone – look, he’s been here five minutes and he hasn’t got a dem drink!
Marguerite: Oh I’m so sorry – Porky – here have this glass, [gives him a glass] I will go and finish my packing. Au revoir until dinner! [exit rear left]
Scratchins: Packing? [bows as she leaves, turns to Sir Percy] Is she going off to France again, Perce?
Sir Percy: [normal voice] Yes, Porky, she’s off to visit the in-laws in Normandy, so I think we should have a couple of clear weeks to plan some more rescues.
Scratchins: Don’t you worry about her visiting France, what with all them troubles going on over there?
Sir Percy: Oh, she’ll be all right, as long as she doesn’t go to Paris. Anyway, she’ll have her maid with her.
Scratchins: Who, Bridget? Ooh! [rubs his chin] She’s a lovely girl, that Bridget! [folds his arms] You know – I could . . .
Sir Percy: [interrupts] No you couldn’t, Porky, you naughty boy! And she’s French – her name is pronounced Brigitte.
Scratchins: [puzzled] Yeah, that’s what I said – Bridget!
Sir Percy: Oh never mind. Come on, we’ve only got half an hour before dinner, let’s have a look at the latest list of those aristocrats – [back to ‘fop’ voice] see if we can’t rescue a few more o’ these dem Froggies, what? [silly laugh again] ha-ha-ha!
[both exit rear left, curtains close]
Narrator: “And so, Sir Percy and Lord Scratchins made plans for their next adventure in France. Once again they were successful in their mission to rescue some French aristocrats from the revolution, although this time they were almost caught and had to use extreme cunning to effect their escape. They decided that in future they would need some inside help, and so they arranged to meet a mysterious French agent on their next trip. Meanwhile in Paris, a few weeks later . . .”
The Desolate Tree 