Hadrian

 

Hadrian – and That Wall

 

List of characters

The Romans:

Hadrian – the Roman Emperor

Dyspepsia – his wife

Pompus – the Governor of Britannia

Veruca – his wife

Julius – the put-upon Prefect

Volumina – his bossy wife

Linolia – their flighty daughter

Libertus – the Commander of the Roman Fort Vindolanda

Domestos – the Centurion, his assistant

Milo – Linolia’s female slave

Horlix – Volumina’s female slave

Marcus a dim messenger

The Tungrians:

Perspex – the leader

Triplex

Clevatrix

Niknax

The Picts:

Spamfritta – the female chief

Dogbreth – her cousin, strong Scottish accent

Lambretta – Dogbreth’s daughter

Radweld – a rogue

Bumfodda – a disguised Libertus

Arfaloaf – the dim goat-herd

The Brigantes:

Beefbroth – the female tribal leader

Egwisc – her shapely granddaughter

Aldi – }  Egwisc’s

Lidl – }  twin siblings

 Who you are and what you are like

Hadrian – you are the new Emperor of Rome; you are still getting used to the ‘job’ and have decided to tour your empire. Often you seem to have ideas that appear at first to be unworkable.

Dyspepsia – the emperor’s wife, you are bored with touring all around the empire, and long to return to the warmth and civilization of your life in Rome.

Pompus – as the Governor of Britannia, you are always trying to impress Hadrian by asserting your authority over everyone else, especially your Prefect Julius.

Veruca – you are not enjoying the visit of the Emperor as it is disrupting your normal daily routine, and with the Empress here you no longer are the leader of the wives’ community in Britannia.

Julius – the Prefect who is Pompus’s assistant, you bear the brunt of most of his anger, as well as having to endure the nagging of your wife.

Volumina – you are the ambitious wife of Julius, and you don’t think that he tries hard enough to get promotion;  you also dislike leaving your home in Londinium for the cold wet Northern frontier.

Linolia – Volumina’s likeable daughter, you are a constant headache to your mother, by flirting with soldiers and other ‘unsuitables’ – but really you are kind-hearted, and are just looking for your ‘Mr Right’.

Libertus – as commander of Vindolanda, you have had an easy life so far, and have established a good working relationship with the local Picts;  you are fair to Romans and Picts alike, and are good to work for.

Domestos – centurion to Libertus, the day-to-day running of the fort is your responsibility.  You like to boast of your reputation, but have a heart of gold;  you are a frequent visitor to Spamfritta’s home.

Milo – you are Linolia’s personal slave.  She treats you well, and protects you from her mother – you are almost one of the family.  You are good friends with Horlix.

Horlix – the slave to Volumina, you are a native Tungrian by birth, who was captured as a child during the Roman invasion of your country.  You have a hard life under Volumina.

Marcus – a rather gullible Roman messenger.

Perspex – leader of the unit of Tungrian soldiers recently posted to Vindolanda.  Like most Tungrians you have a passion for football.

Triplex – second in command to Perspex.

Clevatrix – a Tungrian soldier.

Niknax – a Tungrian soldier.

Spamfritta – the chief of the local tribe of Picts, you admire the success of the Romans, and have adopted some of their ways;  you run a happy tribe, and hope someday to marry Domestos.

Dogbreth – Spamfritta’s lazy cousin, you don’t have much time for the Romans, as they always want the Picts to work – and you in particular.  You would rather play football than work.

Lambretta – you are Dogbreth’s daughter.  You idolise your aunt Spamfritta, and dream of one day being the Pictish chief.

Radweld – you are rather a devious Pict, always on the look-out to make a profit by any means, usually at someone else’s expense.

Arfaloaf – You are the rather dim goat-herd for the Picts and spend all your time far out on the hills looking after your goats, where you meet Egwisc of the enemy tribe Brigantes, and fall in love.

Beefbroth – the chief of the rival tribe the Brigantes – who for a long-standing reason for generations have always been enemies of the Picts.

Egwisc – grand-daughter of the chief of the tribe, you choose to spend your time looking after the goats, so you can be near Arfaloaf.

Aldi & Lidl –  young siblings of Egwisc.

 Story outline

The Romans have a long-established Northern outpost, the fort at Vindolanda, and for almost 50 years they have been living peacefully alongside the local tribe the Picts, trading with them, and with some soldiers having married local girls.  The fort commander Libertus is easy-going, and the fort gates are always open as there is never any trouble. He runs the fort with the help of his centurion Domestos, and a unit of Tungrian mercenaries.

Then Pompus the Governor of Britannia arrives, accompanied by his wife Veruca, to inspect the fort and to announce that the new Emperor Hadrian will soon come on a tour of Britannia and that he wants to visit Vindolanda. Pompus is angry at what he considers to be the poor state of the fort and insists on a change of commander. He brings in his prefect Julius to take over from Libertus, who is subsequently demoted into the Roman Army; Libertus feels this is unfair and so leaves the fort one night, and is taken in by the friendly Picts, to live with them.

Hadrian arrives, and is determined to secure the frontier of the Roman Empire against the ‘barbarians’, by building a wall across the country. He gives Julius the task of organising this, then he continues his tour of Britannia, and Pompus returns to the Romans’ Northern headquarters in Carlisle.

The Picts cannot understand why the Romans don’t want to be friends any more. Julius has ordered the centurion Domestos to organise some local labour to assist with building the wall. Although he likes Julius and feels sorry for him and the position he is in, Domestos supports his old commander Libertus and decides that, together with the Picts, they will try to disrupt the building of the wall.

Julius’ wife Volumina is bossy, and is unpopular with people at the fort, but their daughter Linolia has a reputation as a flirt and hence she is popular with almost everybody. Julius also realises that the Picts are not a real problem to the Empire, but he is caught between his loyalty to the Emperor and his feelings.  He writes to Pompus to protest about the situation.

I n t e r v a l.

More Roman troops arrive to speed up the work. As the wall building proceeds, Hadrian and Pompus return to inspect the slow progress. Bad weather is blamed for the troubles, as well as the local labour force, which now includes Libertus disguised as a Pict. He meets and falls for Linolia, and although she likes him, she is told to have nothing to do with a Pict.

At the western end of the wall-site the Romans meet further resistance, this time from the Brigantes and their chief, who although they are traditionally enemies, decide to side with the Picts and support them in their resistance to the wall.

Eventually however, the wall is built, and Hadrian is happy and returns to Rome. Pompus is recalled to Rome, and Julius is promoted to be the new governor of Britannia. Vindolanda soon returns to normal as a peaceful place, and the wall is largely ignored by both Romans and Picts alike.Before Julius leaves for Londinium, he uses his powers to reinstate Libertus as the commander of Vindolanda, and now also of the entire wall. Linolia now realises that Libertus is a Roman after all, not a Pict, and despite objections from Volumina, they get married.

 A short script sample . . .

Announcer:  Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Culterham Hall.  Tonight, the Mawbray Entertainers are proud to present for your entertainment, their version of what really happened all those years ago, in a well-known, but much misunderstood episode of local history entitled – Hadrian and that wall.   Our story starts in the year see-ex-ex-eye-eye, in the most northerly Roman outpost, the peaceful fort of Vindolanda.

Scene I – Vindolanda

CURTAINS OPEN – FORT

[music intro starts, on stage are Spamfritta, Libertus, Dogbreth, and other Romans & Picts  – they all sing – ‘Wonderful, Wonderful Vindolanda’]

# Wonderful, wonderful Vindolanda

Friendliest fort in the North

We are happy here

Where there’s food and beer

So we drink, and then say cheers!

# To – wonderful wonderful Vindolanda

Built in the land of the Picts.

Such a happy day –

Romans came our way

Singing Vindolanda,

Wonderful wonderful Vindolanda for me!

(Instrumental section  – all dance)

# Oh, wonderful wonderful Vindolanda

Romans and Picts are good friends.

And with Libertus

Looking after us

We’ll be friends until the end.

# At wonderful wonderful Vindolanda

Nobody makes any fuss,

Cos we’re just, you see

One big family –

Singing Vin-dolanda,

[slows down]  Won-derful  won-derful

Vin-do-lan-da  –  for  –  us!

[all clap and cheer]

Spamfritta:  [claps hands]  All right, all right, everybody – back to work now!  Come along, off you all go!  [all exit left except Spamfritta, Dogbreth and Libertus]  Oh, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – you do run very a jolly fort here, Libertus – doesn’t he, Dogbreth?

Dogbreth:  Och aye – it’s a grand wee place and no mistake, is Vindolanda.

Libertus:  Well, the Romans couldn’t do it without your help, Spamfritta – oh, and yours too of course, Dogbreth.

Spamfritta:  [folds arms]  You know, it really was a happy day for all of us Picts, when you Romans decided to built this fort here.  How long ago is it now?

Libertus:  [thinks]  Oh, it’s a really long time ago. My father was the fort commander here before me, and even he wasn’t here when they built the first fort.  [turns]  Oh hallo, who’s this?  [enter front left Perspex, with Triplex, Clevatrix & Niknax]

Perspex:  [salutes]   Perspex, sir – third unit of Tungrians, reporting for duty.

Libertus:  Ah, the Tungrians – yes, I heard you were coming.  Is this your unit?

Perspex:  Yes sir – that’s Triplex, and that’s Clevatrix, and the last one’s Niknax. [they each salute as they are introduced]

Dogbreth:  Ooh, haven’t they all got funny names!

Spamfritta:  Be quiet, Dogbreth.

Triplex:  Dogbreth?  And you say we’ve got funny names!

Libertus:  Yes, anyway – welcome to Vindolanda. You’ll find we all get on well together here.  Oh, and this is Spamfritta, chief of the local Picts.

Perspex:  Ooh, a lot of tribes in Britannia have female chiefs, just like we do, don’t they?  Hallo.

Spamfritta:  Hallo. [shakes hands]  So – whereabouts do you Tungrians come from, then?

Perspex:  Huh!   [rolls eyes]   Well – Tungria of course!

Libertus:  Perhaps I had better explain. That’s a long way away from north Britannia, where we are, Spamfritta – it’s down south across the sea, near Batavia. It’s a part of Gaul.

Perspex:  [crossly]  No it isn’t part of Gaul!  It’s a proper country!  Well, at least it was, until the Romans arrived and said it was – well – part of Gaul.

Dogbreth:  [thinks]  Och, I think I’ve heard of Batavia.  Don’t they play football there?

Perspex:  Batavia!  They can’t play football to save their lives!   We always beat them!

Dogbreth:  [interested now]  Oh, d’you Tungrians play football too?

Perspex:  Play football?  It’s our national sport – well, after the pillaging and – er – you know – that stuff.

Libertus:  [interrupts]   Yes, quite!

Dogbreth:  Aye well, you Tungrians should join the Britannia league.  Us Picts, we come third last season – third, and that woulda been second if the Brigantes hadna cheated.

Clevatrix:  Cheated?

Dogbreth:  Aye – they fielded somebody from another tribe – and that was after the transfer window had closed! Huh! Typical Brigantes!

Clevatrix:  The Big Aunties?  Who are the Big Aunties?

Triplex:  Not the Big Aunties, silly – the Brigantes, they’re another tribe – it’s just his funny accent!

Perspex:  Anyway, I think we’d like to join your league – we all love football, don’t we?  [the Tungrians all nod]

Spamfritta:  Oh, stop it!  That’s enough about football! You’re football mad, all you lot. You don’t find the Romans wasting their time kicking a goat’s bladder about.

Dogbreth:  A goat’s bladder! It’s a sheep’s bladder [shakes head] – honestly, Spamfritta, you do show me up sometimes!

Spamfritta:  [hands on hips] Who cares what kind of bladder it is – grown men, kicking something dead about like a bunch of kids.   As I said, Romans don’t do it, do they?

Libertus:  Oh, actually football is quite popular in Rome, Spamfritta, there are several local teams.  But mostly we prefer – er – other games – you know –  gladiators, and all that stuff.   [turns to Perspex]   Before you arrived, we were saying that there’s been a fort here at Vindolanda for a long time now.

Perspex:  I know that.  My grandad’s lot was the first ever troops to be sent here – they always send us Tungrians when there’s work to be done.

Libertus:  Well, there won’t be a lot for you to do here – its very quiet.

Triplex:  But they told us that we would be busy, and that’s why we had to get here so fast.   [enter Domestos rear right, salutes Libertus]

Libertus:  [salutes]  Ah, Domestos there you are.  Look, our Tungrians have arrived.

Domestos:  [walks up close, looks down at the Tungrians]  Hmmm. They aren’t all that big, are they?

Libertus:  This is Domestos, our centurion.

Triplex:  Ooh, Domestos – I’m sure I’ve heard of him!  [turns to Perspex]  He’s quite famous, isn’t he?

Perspex:  Oh, that’s right, yes – isn’t he the one that kills ninety-nine percent –

Domestos:  [interrupts]  That’s me.  [proudly]  Ninety-nine percent – [draws finger across throat] – dead!

Spamfritta:  [to Dogbreth]  Oh! And all this time, there’s me been thinking they called him Domestos, because he’s very strong and very thick!

Domestos:  [turns, wags finger]  Oi! That’s enough from you, Spam!  [she laughs]

Libertus:  Now now, you two . . . [turns back to Tungrians]   No, I don’t know why they told you that you’d be busy here, it’s always very quiet. [turns to Dogbreth] Now Dogbreth old chap, would you be kind enough to show our new friends where they are going to stay.

Dogbreth:  Aye, I’ll do that for ye, laddie.  [turns to Perspex]  Come along this way. So, are ye a forward or a defender?  [exit Dogbreth & Tungrians rear left]

Spamfritta:  And I’m going to go and get some work done.  [to Domestos]  Are you – er  [pause] stopping by later, Dom?  [puts hand on his arm]   That new cider I was making,  it’s ready for you to try.  [winks at him, starts to exit]

Domestos:  What?  [embarrassed]   Oh yes, I’ll – er – stop off later for a bit – for a bit of cider, I mean!   [exit Spamfritta, laughing, rear left]

Libertus:  So, you’ve finished your inspection, Domestos – is there anything to report?

Domestos:  [shakes his head]  No, guv, it’s the same as ever. A few people about, down by the stalls, outside the gate. Otherwise very quiet.  Oh – except there seems to be someone coming along the road.

Libertus:  Could you see who it was?

Domestos:  No, he was too far away.  But he had a Norse.

Libertus:  A Norse?  Oh, a horse!  He was riding it, you mean.

Domestos:  Well he certainly wasn’t carrying it, guv.  He was coming from the west.

Libertus:  From Luguvallium?

Domestos:  [walks to front of stage, says to audience]  That’s Carlisle to you lot, all right?   [turns back to Libertus]  Yes, that’s right, coming from Loo – from  Loo-goo – from – what you said. Someone, is coming along the road, on a Norse, from the west, from Loo – from there.

Libertus:  You often seem to have trouble with Roman names, Domestos – what part of the Empire are you from?

Domestos:  Tottenham. They play football there too. That’s in North London. Er – [struggles over the Roman name]  Lon – deen – yum.

Libertus:  Londinium, well done.  Right then, well – I suppose I had better go and meet our visitor when he arrives. I think you better come with me, Domestos. Come on.  [both exit, rear left, curtains close]

Scene II – At the Gate

 [gate scene; enter Marcus, a messenger front right; then enter Libertus & Domestos, front left]

Marcus:  Hail, Libertus!  [salutes]   I am Marcus, a messenger from Luguvallium.

Libertus:  Hail and greetings, messenger. What brings you to Vindolanda?

Marcus:  I bring you a message.

Domestos:  [to audience]   Now there’s a surprise!

Libertus:  [turns to Domestos]  I thought you said he had a horse?

Domestos:  He did.  He had a Norse. He definitely had a Norse. Here!  When you were coming along the road, you had a Norse. Where is it?

Marcus:  Oh, I found a helpful Pict, who said he’d look after it for me.  [points back]  Look, there he is – oh!

Domestos:  Where?

Marcus:  Oh, he was there just now. Where’s he gone with my horse?  A little feller, with fair hair.

Domestos:  Hmmm.  Sounds like that bloke who fixes the leaks.

Libertus:  Who, Radweld?

Domestos:  Yes, that him – Radweld.  [to audience]  Oh come on you lot – he fixes the leaks, his name’s Radweld . . . [shakes head]  oh it’s hard work this is, really.

Libertus:  Oh dear, if Radweld took it, that’ll be the last you’ve seen of your horse, I’m afraid.  Never mind, I suppose we can fix you up with another. Now – you said you a message?

Marcus:  But – Dobbin! Oh yes, the message. Sorry. Here. [hands over a scroll, salutes]

Domestos:  Right, off you go and get something to eat. [Marcus salutes, exit front left]

Libertus:  [reads scroll]  Oh, no!

Domestos:  What – is it bad news?

Libertus:  Yes, I’ll say it’s bad news – Pompus, the Governor of Britannia, has been on a visit to the fort at Luguvallium – and now he says that he wants to come here!  The Governor’s never been here before, not in all the ex-vee-eye years I’ve been here!

Domestos:  Blimey, the Governor of all Britannia!  Well, I’ve been here even longer than you, I’ve been here, what – ex-ex-eye-eye-eye years, and I’ve never seen him here neither.  When’s he coming?

Libertus:  Next Friday!  In a week’s time!

Domestos:  A week!   [counts fingers]  – but that’s only – vee-eye-eye days away!

Libertus:  I know how many days there are in a week, Domestos – and I know it’s not going to be enough!

Domestos:  What’s he like, this governor – what’s his name again?

Libertus:  Pompus?  Oh, he’s very fussy – he always has to find something wrong,  wherever he goes.  But that’s not the worst of it.  He’s always brings lots of others with him.

Domestos:  Who?

Libertus:  Well, he brings his wife Veruca, who’s a pain, and then there’s his Prefect Julius – and there’s his family too, wife and daughter.  I’ve heard that Julius is all right, but  his wife Volumina’s as bad as Veruca is.

Domestos:  Oh yes, and some people say you have to watch out for the daughter. They say that she chases after anything in trousers. But that doesn’t worry me.

Libertus:  Why not?

Domestos:  [looks down at his tunic]  I never wear any!  [rubs his hands] But I shall look forward to meeting her anyway!

Libertus:  [wags finger] Now now, Domestos – I thought you had a sort of ‘understanding’ with Spamfritta?

Domestos:  Oh, I do – we have a perfect understanding.

Libertus:  Perfect?

Domestos:  That’s right – she understands that we can’t get married until I get a promotion, and I understand that there’s no chance of me ever getting promoted!

Libertus:  [laughs]  Oh yes, a perfect understanding from your point of view!  Now, I think we had better go and start getting ready for the Governor’s visit.

Domestos:  Oh right-ho.

Libertus:  [thinks]  I suppose I shall have to move out of my house for them to stay in while they’re here.  [starts to exit front left, pauses, turns]  I say, Domestos old chap . . .

Domestos:  I know, I know – you want to move into my hut, like you did the last time we had visitors.

Libertus:  Ah, I knew you’d understand.    [exits front left]

Domestos:  Oh yes –  that’s another perfect understanding!   [exits front left]